A goal is a dream with a deadline

 Hai Jan,  Kemarin lo baru ulang tahun loh. 6 November, lo genap 28 tahun. Happy birthday ya Jan, maaf kemarin gw ngga ngucapin. Better late than never toh? Inget ga Jan, pertama kita ketemu tahun 2011. Kita belajar fisika bareng di saung salman. Gw inget banget jaket jeans biru muda lo, kaos kutang sama jeans hitam.  "Lo tuh pinter, tapi males! Buku catatan lo ga jelas, nulis di kertas-kertas terus ngga dikumpulin! Gimana UTS nanti bisa lancar?" Hari itu gw ngedumel terus, ngeliat lo cengengesan sambil jawab "Iyee kes, ajarin gw dong plis." Inget ga Jan, lo dateng ke kosan gw pagi-pagi jam 5 karena nganterin gw ke Borromeus, soalnya gw nge-twit kaki gw kepelintir. Lo langsung BBM dan bilang "10 menit lg gw sampe kosan ya". Pagi itu gw bersyukur banget, terus gw traktir lo makan siang di bebek borromeus. Lo makan rakus banget, karena lo cerita hari itu lo ngga tidur sampai pagi. Inget ga Jan, selama kita di himpunan lo jarang nongkrong di sekre. Tapi sekal...

I don't like winter. I repeat, I hate winter. I don't like the cold rain, the freezing morning, and the stuffed jacket, scarf, and gloves that I have to carry with me all the time. My life here isn't bad, but sometimes I just really hate the country I live in. I wish I could drive away..and leave. I have a confession to make, and I think this is somewhat the most selfish thing ever to have? I'm usually not this way, since I think about others more than myself, especially my family. But anyway, one of the things I always think what would make me the happiest would be to leave everything and everyone that I knew behind, even my family. Like just go, and live alone somewhere. I don't necessarily need to have new friends or companions. I'd just like to live in a different city, or near the forest, somewhere I could be, but not as "myself". Starting completely over, I would leave "Casy" behind. I don't need to be constantly on the road, travel...

There's just one night that I feel so defeated in life, tears clogging up my throat, and tell myself, 'ok I'll just cry later.' Sometimes I found myself repeating "I'm fine", just because I don't even know how I feel anymore. I came here..because I don't understand. I can't comprehend, is this what reality looks like? I don't know if I'm real anymore, and I just want to wake up.. I have to wake up.  Everyone sees me as the supportive and positive friend, who always takes care of everyone. I mean.. it's great that I can brighten up their day. But in the end, I'm always left out. They won't believe me that I have this anxiety, and that I, too, can have negative thoughts. And it's so crazy, sometimes I wake up and everyday feels like a dream. Like I do what I need to do, and I don't even think about it. There's just a lot going on my mind right now.  How many poles does one stud bushing have, and would a stud bushin...

"You have memories from August 2019." Setiap akhir pekan, notifikasi tersebut selalu menghiasi layar HP ku. Foto-foto yang selalu kusimpan di mbah gugel photos, hasil karya personal yang tak layak dipertontonkan ke khalayak ramai. Disamping kualitas HP ku yang tidak begitu bagus, sebagai orang awam aku juga kurang mengerti angle foto yang instagram-worthy, hehe. Ya memang biasanya aku hanya mengambil foto untuk koleksi pribadi, dimana foto menjadi alat yang mudah untuk kembali mengenang memori. Lantas ku buka satu foto hasil rekomendasi mbah gugel ini. 'Oh wow.. I remember this one, clearly.' Ucap ku didalam hati begitu aku melihat kembali foto dengan kualitas abal dan super random ini. That time, I was just about to finish my thesis. It was 02:00 am, TU Delft library was closing down. I was always writing my thesis in the silent room with my friends. At first, there were 7 of us, until there were only two of us. It's not that we were the super dedicat...

Hi. It's been awhile. My heart still aches every time I think of how we ended. And if I could go back, I wish I could tell you: "I stayed for so long, Not because I was weak, But because I believed in the good person in you. I left, Not because you stopped wanting me, But because I no longer loved myself by loving you." Not that I say that I have healed. Hearing your name still gives me pain in the chest. It only takes me one second to have trouble in breathing, after remembering the things you did. Look what you've done to me. You scarred me emotionally, mentally. I once believed that the damage to my mind and my heart was permanent. Until he showed up. He, who taught me that no wound is eternal. That all can be healed, and that love can grow, even in the toughest part of my being. Now look at you. Giving misinformation, trying to control how others see me. It might seem unfair, but I'll stay above it. I'm so proud of the warr...

"Never value yourself less, because I value you that highly in my life. And I am proud to have you in my life. So proud I'll show you to the world." Jam menunjukkan pukul 3 pagi di tempatmu, dan pukul 9 malam di tempatku. Yang aku ingat, aku hanya tersenyum sambil mengangguk - tidak tahu bagaimana cara nya menjawab. Yang aku ingat, tatapan mu tajam seolah mencari jawaban di dalam mata ku. Senyum ku di layer kaca handphone mu terkesan seperti tidak berusaha untuk menjawab. Tak bersuara, aku terus melihat wajah mu dengan wajah kebingungan. My dear, forgive me if my insecurities are still speaking loudly. You see, when I am afraid of not being loved for who I am, and for years being told that it was because of who I am, my insecurities start speaking. I'm scared. Scared you'll leave. Scared I'll mess up. Scared you'll stop looking at me the way you are right now. Scared I won't be good enough. "Aku bingung mau bilang apa", jawab ku perlah...

A dear friend of mine came to my room. We talked about everything that have been going through in our lives, our anxiety, our thoughts, even our deepest secrets. I always like to have a deep-talk with someone, with a family member, a friend, a lover or even with people who dislike me. It's the time when I put my phone down, sit across from them and listen to them. I give myself the space to dive with them, into deeper conversation, into the kind of quality time that makes me connect with them. It's the least that I can do to someone else's soul. We talked about every possible things for almost 5 hours. From irrelevant benzoylperoxide, to the meaning of being grateful. From future plans and dreams, to satellite. And then we talked about God. "You've been trying to find God, but how can you find what you never lost?" I used to search for God, kind of like how I used to search for my sunglasses when they were already on my head. In other words, the search w...

Entah kenapa sejak minggu lalu aku dibayangi perasaan tidak enak. Entah apa dan muncul dari mana, tapi setiap aku memikirkan Papa, perasaan itu timbul. Pernah kah kalian memiliki hal yang mengganjal di hati, tapi kalian tidak dapat mengutarakan nya dengan kata-kata. Namun ketika aku melihat wajah Papa dari layar handphone , aku yakin betul firasat ini datang dari kedua bola mata nya. "Udah seminggu ya sejak Casy telpon rumah. Papa ngga mau ganggu thesis nya, jadi papa nunggu Casy yang telpon aja" Sejujurnya mulut langsung terasa kering dan ingin kuluapkan semua keletihan dan mengeluh kepada nya. Tapi aku tahu, Papa yang jantung nya sudah lemah tidak boleh mendengar berita buruk atau mengetahui aku kesulitan. "Jangan nangis. Papa ngga bisa ngeliat kamu nangis. Kalau mau nangis, nih papa kasih mama aja ya HP nya." Ya, Pa. Papa tidak perlu mengingatkan lagi. Aku langsung menelan semua hal dan keluhan yang ingin aku sampaikan. Sejak aku naik ke bangku SMP dan ja...

Halo teman-teman yang berbahagia, apa kabar? Baik-baik toh? Tak terasa sudah lebih dari setahun saya menginjakkan kaki di Belanda dan terakhir menulis di Blog. Awal mula kuliah disini selalu kepikiran ah nulis ah, apa aja pokoknya tentang kehidupan dan perkuliahan disini. Sayang sekali wakanda eh wacana forever. Berhubung saya sekarang lagi gabut, pingin deh nulis, semoga bisa merangkum setahun kebelakang :) First time arriving : The Euphoria Wow, Belanda! Wow, naik sepeda semua! Wow, orang-orang tertib banget pada ngantri! Wow, udara bersih banget ini jarang ngupil! Semua yang indah-indah disuguhkan depan mata. Saya tinggal di kota Delft, kota yang relatif kecil namun cantik, dengan pusat kota yang dipenuhi kanal dan beberapa toko Asia. Terlebih banyak teman seperjuangan alias para mahasiswa yang juga sama-sama kuliah di TU Delft, semangat hidup nambah 100x lipat. Setiap hari ada aja yang dilakuin, update sosmed, explore kota, duduk-duduk di taman, ngumpul dan makan bareng te...

Two steaming cups of tempting brew; one for me and one for you. At a cozy little table made for two. His words are better than the most potent dosages of caffeine. I can drink him in bitter, I can sometimes have him sweet. But he needs no additives. Never had I imagined falling in love with such a mature man. And his maturity is the best part, it would always calm down the storms, especially for me, who is afraid even just for a little rain. 

Halo! Ngga berhenti menyebut Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah ‘ala ni’matillah. Penantian yang ditunggu-tunggu telah datang. Yap, pada tanggal 10 Desember 2015, saya berhasil lolos seleksi wawancara dan proses-proses tes lainnya yang diselenggarakan Lembaga Pengelolaan Dana Pendidikan (LPDP). Udah banyak yang ngepost tentang tips-tips lolos LPDP dan informasi-informasi yang saya dapat di internet banyak membantu saya. Terimakasih yaa para penulis blog yang tidak bisa saya hapal satu persatu! Berkat kalian saya jadi memahami keseluruhan dan gambaran tes-tes LPDP dan bisa mempersiapkan semaksimal mungkin. Maka dari itu, mudah-mudahan postingan ini bisa turut membantu para scholarship hunter yang sedang menggali informasi seputar LPDP sebanyak mungkin. 1. Banyak cari informasi mengenai LPDP itu sendiri! Caranya? Buanyakk banget, dari website nya sendiri, sampai booth/stand LPDP di berbagai acara, seperti jobfair maupun seminar-seminar. Beberapa seminar LPDP y...

Wow, pas diliat terakhir ngepost itu Maret 2014. Lama banget, sekarang udah mau ganti tahun aja ke 2016. Untuk merapel semua kejadian pada tahun 2015 ini bakal butuh banyak post. But overall, this year is a rollercoaster stuck in a maze. So many ups and down, kaya halilintar Dunia Fantasi. Mulai dari pengerjaan Tugas Akhir ( Tiada Akhir) , mengejar cum laude yang nyaris tak sampai, sidang, wisuda dari ITB, tantangan dunia pekerjaan, apply sana-sini, senangnya dapat gaji pertama, memprioritaskan sekolah S-2, mempersiapkan beasiswa LPDP, sampai kehilangan nenek tercinta. If life gives you lemonades, make lemons, life will be all like 'whaaat?'  Hehe, I strongly agree with you, Phil Dunphy. Okay enough with the lame introduction. "Abis kuliah langsung sekolah diluar negeri? Yakin?" Yap. This is the most common reaction that I get not only from my friends, but also my families. To sum up all of their concerns : 1) Kamu masih umur 20 tahun! Bisa apa diluar negeri? ...

jeng jeng jeng jeng jeng~ pa pa ra paaa pa pa raa~ raa ra raaa~ JRENG!!! MLEKUM Bukan, ini bukan tentang drama yang gue bikin sendiri mengadaptasi sitcom yang bentar lagi mau abis itu (hiks..) Ini cerita tentang perjalanan panjang dan mengundang tawa semua orang yang mendengar cerita ini kalau emak gw sedang bercerita. Cerita tentang bagaimana dia melahirkan gue. Dan karena ini lewat blog jadi kalian mungkin kesusahan membayangkan tanpa melihat ekspresi natural gue atau emak gue, tapi coba aja dulu membayangkan. Cerita ini benar benar riil, nyata. Pada suatu hari, Nyokap gue merasakan sakit perut yang amat sangat pada tanggal 6 Januari 1995, waktu itu jam menunjukan pukul 6 malam hari. "Mungkin udah waktunya, ya.. Ke dokter aja deh" Kebetulan waktu itu emak abis pulang kantor dan langsung tancap ke rumah sakit dimana dokter kandungan berada, tanpa pulang ke rumah terlebih dahulu. Sesampainya di rumah sakit dan disuruh ngangkang ( ini beneran dia bilang gini...

Eing Ing Eng.... udah lama ya ga nge post. Kenapa tiba2 pingin nge post? karena dimintain Bang Rudi...iya cuma karena itu ahahaha Jadi postingan ini isinya bukan tentang Bang Rudi, tapi tentang WISUDA APRIL HMFT kemarin. Sukses, beres, tuntas, keren. Dari rangkaian prewis sampai ke hari - h arak arakan. Oiya, baru pertama kali loh nge-MC-in massa himpunan terus di waro... seneng  :_) makasih kk kk wisudawan april 2013, makasih juga David Marchio Purba yang mau nemenin nge-MC, orang batak itu emang baik-baik ya Pengalaman baru yang luar biasa seru nya. Capek, pusing, mumet, dikejar deadline, ditambah ketua dari semua itu adalah pacar. Setiap dia nyerocos selalu ke gw, yaudah pasang muka tembok aja, alias putih. Ngga deng, alias batu. Pertama keluar dari tunnel terus nyanyi2 lagu HMFT. Terus pertama kali perform. Pertama kali deh smuanya banyak, dan feedback dari massa himpunan juga ga kalah keren nya Kak Rahmat : Kalian udah bikin cerita yang sangat bagus, saya akan menceri...