There's just one night that I feel so defeated in life, tears clogging up my throat, and tell myself, 'ok I'll just cry later.' Sometimes I found myself repeating "I'm fine", just because I don't even know how I feel anymore.
I came here..because I don't understand. I can't comprehend, is this what reality looks like? I don't know if I'm real anymore, and I just want to wake up.. I have to wake up.
Everyone sees me as the supportive and positive friend, who always takes care of everyone. I mean.. it's great that I can brighten up their day. But in the end, I'm always left out. They won't believe me that I have this anxiety, and that I, too, can have negative thoughts. And it's so crazy, sometimes I wake up and everyday feels like a dream. Like I do what I need to do, and I don't even think about it.
There's just a lot going on my mind right now.
How many poles does one stud bushing have, and would a stud bushing be able to terminate 2 cores of 120 mm square cable? The chicken that I bought this weekend, will I be able to eat it next evening? Oh, another issue tomorrow has to be solved to sub-vendor and supplier, gotta call them first thing in the morning. Today was very tough, what mask should I wear tomorrow in front of people? Ignorant one, happy-go-lucky one, or the serious-get-my-shit-together one? Another decision has to be made tomorrow, if not, one project is going to be delayed. Production file for the solar array skid? Far from done. My side-kick project about papa's school is also left untouched. Oh shit, I have to buy a terminal to get this fan working properly. I need to clean up my room. You know.. I've been having trouble sleeping for weeks. Why is that? Should I call abang? No, he's busy.
You see, my head just starts spinning and to be honest, I don't have any motivation to deal with all of those things. Just when I wanted to close my eyes, "it" came. "It" is the treasure of my life, being the most precious thought I've ever had each day.
My mama, and my papa.
I close my eyes and it feels like they're here. I can see my mama's smile, her laugh, and her inappropriate jokes. And on the corner, I see my papa. He's calling me by my nick name while eating his favorite chicken breast. It feels like they are next to me, and suddenly this 10m square room feels warm, lulling me back to sleep. Just when I finally snoozed, I open my eyes and realize, that dream is supposed to be my reality. The room becomes one big blur, as this hollow feeling strike deep into my heart, piercing and dropping down into my stomach.
I think my mind is my biggest enemy. It could mercilessly tear me apart, leaving me tauntingly in the dark.