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Little firefly

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"You have memories from August 2019."

Setiap akhir pekan, notifikasi tersebut selalu menghiasi layar HP ku. Foto-foto yang selalu kusimpan di mbah gugel photos, hasil karya personal yang tak layak dipertontonkan ke khalayak ramai. Disamping kualitas HP ku yang tidak begitu bagus, sebagai orang awam aku juga kurang mengerti angle foto yang instagram-worthy, hehe. Ya memang biasanya aku hanya mengambil foto untuk koleksi pribadi, dimana foto menjadi alat yang mudah untuk kembali mengenang memori. Lantas ku buka satu foto hasil rekomendasi mbah gugel ini.

'Oh wow.. I remember this one, clearly.' Ucap ku didalam hati begitu aku melihat kembali foto dengan kualitas abal dan super random ini.

That time, I was just about to finish my thesis. It was 02:00 am, TU Delft library was closing down. I was always writing my thesis in the silent room with my friends. At first, there were 7 of us, until there were only two of us. It's not that we were the super dedicated people, …

I wish you all the best

Hi.

It's been awhile.
My heart still aches every time I think of how we ended.
And if I could go back, I wish I could tell you:

"I stayed for so long,
Not because I was weak,
But because I believed in the good person in you.
I left,
Not because you stopped wanting me,
But because I no longer loved myself by loving you."

Not that I say that I have healed.
Hearing your name still gives me pain in the chest.
It only takes me one second to have trouble in breathing,
after remembering the things you did.
Look what you've done to me.
You scarred me emotionally, mentally.

I once believed that the damage to my mind and my heart was permanent.

Until he showed up.

He, who taught me that no wound is eternal.
That all can be healed,
and that love can grow,
even in the toughest part of my being.

Now look at you.
Giving misinformation, trying to control how others see me.
It might seem unfair,
but I'll stay above it.
I'm so proud of the warrior I've created from the as…

3 am thoughts

"Never value yourself less, because I value you that highly in my life. And I am proud to have you in my life. So proud I'll show you to the world."

Jam menunjukkan pukul 3 pagi di tempatmu, dan pukul 9 malam di tempatku. Yang aku ingat, aku hanya tersenyum sambil mengangguk - tidak tahu bagaimana cara nya menjawab. Yang aku ingat, tatapan mu tajam seolah mencari jawaban di dalam mata ku. Senyum ku di layer kaca handphone mu terkesan seperti tidak berusaha untuk menjawab. Tak bersuara, aku terus melihat wajah mu dengan wajah kebingungan.

My dear, forgive me if my insecurities are still speaking loudly. You see, when I am afraid of not being loved for who I am, and for years being told that it was because of who I am, my insecurities start speaking. I'm scared. Scared you'll leave. Scared I'll mess up. Scared you'll stop looking at me the way you are right now. Scared I won't be good enough.

"Aku bingung mau bilang apa", jawab ku perlahan. M…

What you seek is seeking you

A dear friend of mine came to my room. We talked about everything that have been going through in our lives, our anxiety, our thoughts, even our deepest secrets. I always like to have a deep-talk with someone, with a family member, a friend, a lover or even with people who dislike me. It's the time when I put my phone down, sit across from them and listen to them. I give myself the space to dive with them, into deeper conversation, into the kind of quality time that makes me connect with them. It's the least that I can do to someone else's soul.

We talked about every possible things for almost 5 hours. From irrelevant benzoylperoxide, to the meaning of being grateful. From future plans and dreams, to satellite. And then we talked about God.

"You've been trying to find God, but how can you find what you never lost?"

I used to search for God, kind of like how I used to search for my sunglasses when they were already on my head. In other words, the search was use…

Firasat

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Entah kenapa sejak minggu lalu aku dibayangi perasaan tidak enak. Entah apa dan muncul dari mana, tapi setiap aku memikirkan Papa, perasaan itu timbul. Pernah kah kalian memiliki hal yang mengganjal di hati, tapi kalian tidak dapat mengutarakan nya dengan kata-kata. Namun ketika aku melihat wajah Papa dari layar handphone, aku yakin betul firasat ini datang dari kedua bola mata nya.

"Udah seminggu ya sejak Casy telpon rumah. Papa ngga mau ganggu thesis nya, jadi papa nunggu Casy yang telpon aja"

Sejujurnya mulut langsung terasa kering dan ingin kuluapkan semua keletihan dan mengeluh kepada nya. Tapi aku tahu, Papa yang jantung nya sudah lemah tidak boleh mendengar berita buruk atau mengetahui aku kesulitan.

"Jangan nangis. Papa ngga bisa ngeliat kamu nangis. Kalau mau nangis, nih papa kasih mama aja ya HP nya."

Ya, Pa. Papa tidak perlu mengingatkan lagi. Aku langsung menelan semua hal dan keluhan yang ingin aku sampaikan. Sejak aku naik ke bangku SMP dan jantung Papa…

Living and Studying in the Netherlands

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Halo teman-teman yang berbahagia, apa kabar? Baik-baik toh?
Tak terasa sudah lebih dari setahun saya menginjakkan kaki di Belanda dan terakhir menulis di Blog. Awal mula kuliah disini selalu kepikiran ah nulis ah, apa aja pokoknya tentang kehidupan dan perkuliahan disini. Sayang sekali wakanda eh wacana forever. Berhubung saya sekarang lagi gabut, pingin deh nulis, semoga bisa merangkum setahun kebelakang :)


First time arriving : The Euphoria
Wow, Belanda! Wow, naik sepeda semua! Wow, orang-orang tertib banget pada ngantri! Wow, udara bersih banget ini jarang ngupil!

Semua yang indah-indah disuguhkan depan mata. Saya tinggal di kota Delft, kota yang relatif kecil namun cantik, dengan pusat kota yang dipenuhi kanal dan beberapa toko Asia. Terlebih banyak teman seperjuangan alias para mahasiswa yang juga sama-sama kuliah di TU Delft, semangat hidup nambah 100x lipat. Setiap hari ada aja yang dilakuin, update sosmed, explore kota, duduk-duduk di taman, ngumpul dan makan bareng temen. Beberap…

My Coffee

Two steaming cups of tempting brew; one for me and one for you. At a cozy little table made for two. His words are better than the most potent dosages of caffeine. I can drink him in bitter, I can sometimes have him sweet. But he needs no additives.
Never had I imagined falling in love with such a mature man. And his maturity is the best part, it would always calm down the storms, especially for me, who is afraid even just for a little rain.