Little firefly

"You have memories from August 2019."

Setiap akhir pekan, notifikasi tersebut selalu menghiasi layar HP ku. Foto-foto yang selalu kusimpan di mbah gugel photos, hasil karya personal yang tak layak dipertontonkan ke khalayak ramai. Disamping kualitas HP ku yang tidak begitu bagus, sebagai orang awam aku juga kurang mengerti angle foto yang instagram-worthy, hehe. Ya memang biasanya aku hanya mengambil foto untuk koleksi pribadi, dimana foto menjadi alat yang mudah untuk kembali mengenang memori. Lantas ku buka satu foto hasil rekomendasi mbah gugel ini.

'Oh wow.. I remember this one, clearly.' Ucap ku didalam hati begitu aku melihat kembali foto dengan kualitas abal dan super random ini.

That time, I was just about to finish my thesis. It was 02:00 am, TU Delft library was closing down. I was always writing my thesis in the silent room with my friends. At first, there were 7 of us, until there were only two of us. It's not that we were the super dedicated people, but out of everyone, we were the only introverts with no life hehe.

Looking at the clock, I was tidying up my place and packed every documents inside my bag. Papers, over papers, over papers. Just before I went outside to my bike, my friend tapped my shoulder and he asked me if I was in the mood for a midnight stroll. Well, this is not midnight anymore, and yes, I'd like to walk for a bit. It's 2:15 am, as soon as I reach my room, I knew for sure that the same cold bed, the same cold kitchen, and the same cold shower would give no difference to this cold and long day. After all, it was a cold summer night.

My friend didn't tell me exactly where we were going, but I just followed his lead. We spot the trail from the TU Delft library to the woods, and began walking. There was no musing to accompany us on our walk. We didn't even talk to each other. I knew he was as stressed as I was, being occupied by his own thoughts. A few minutes passed by, we reached a spot where the trees hung over us and it looked like we were entering some place magical.

"Hey, it reminded me of a movie scene."
"Really? I thought the same way. Was it a Japanese movie?"
"Yes! I don't really remember the title.. Wait let me search for it"

As soon as we found the movie title, I played the movie's soundtrack and put it on speaker. It was just a peaceful and relaxing piano music, made by some Japanese artist. We continued walking for about a minute while keep listening to the music, and right where the trees cleared up, it hit me.

It was water, and a beautiful reflection of a full moon in the water. Clear water, with fireflies dancing over it, while the full moon shined down on them. It was so beautiful, I didn't even have time to open my phone and took a picture. I couldn't help but cry because I was so happy to see what's happening right before my eyes, on such a beautiful night.

But I was also crying because before this walk, I realized I was just wasting my whole day to figure out how to implement one equation for a fixed constrained in my simulation. I spent 12 hours just to fix the bugs in my MATLAB solver, and I couldn't even run the simulation. I cursed myself in the library and even cried in the public bathroom. Here I am, crying again, but not because of one stupid equation, but because I was alive and living in this current moment.

This world is such a beautiful place, and I let myself feel depressed, hopeless and lost. I knew my friend saw me crying like a baby, yet he remained silent and did not even say any word. He kept standing from a distance, also being mesmerized by what the nature is showing us. I knew he's also feeling anxious, that's why he needed this walk, and he needed a person that could understand this silent depression without even saying anything.

"Are you not taking any picture?"

Finally, one of us started talking. He took his phone and he started taking pictures here and there.

"Let me see."

He showed me this photo. I knew it, he's also terrible at taking pictures like me hahaha.




We decided to go back to our bike and go home. It was the same bike, the same route, and the same cold apartment. But that night, I didn't sleep with the same anxiety. I slept peacefully, without thinking about 8 scenarios of how the meeting with my supervisors would turn bad. I closed my eyes, and I kept seeing the same fireflies, the moon and its reflection. That night, I swore that no matter how hard this thesis, and this life may get, I'll never quit because then I won't be able to see the beauty that this world could offer.

Dear me, may you never lose your love for the little things, the daily beauty in them, the fresh understandings and new wonders to be found, the will and the strength to find them. Of course, you are allowed to cry once in a while. After all, you are one sad lady. I'll repeat it again, sad, not weak. When was the last time God gave you something so easy? Exactly. You'll never have anything easily. And you will be grateful for it. Don't ever give up, you are loved, and you are one beautiful soul. You are meant to dance on the air, and like a little firefly, may you share in this life with all the other lights that touch and are touched by your light.

Dear Casy,

Have you seen the light?




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