What you seek is seeking you

A dear friend of mine came to my room. We talked about everything that have been going through in our lives, our anxiety, our thoughts, even our deepest secrets. I always like to have a deep-talk with someone, with a family member, a friend, a lover or even with people who dislike me. It's the time when I put my phone down, sit across from them and listen to them. I give myself the space to dive with them, into deeper conversation, into the kind of quality time that makes me connect with them. It's the least that I can do to someone else's soul.

We talked about every possible things for almost 5 hours. From irrelevant benzoylperoxide, to the meaning of being grateful. From future plans and dreams, to satellite. And then we talked about God.

"You've been trying to find God, but how can you find what you never lost?"

I used to search for God, kind of like how I used to search for my sunglasses when they were already on my head. In other words, the search was useless and came about my forgetfulness that I already carried what I've been looking for.

In other words, this search for God that I have been doing is useless, but openness and awareness is everything. I can travel the whole world looking for rain, but if I carry an umbrella, I will never get wet. If I want to catch something, I must first open my hands. Receptivity is the key to the experience of God. Why? Because we cannot find God. God is not confined to a destination for He is outside time and space. So, God must find us. God decides whether to rain upon the seeds of your striving. Like seeds in tilled soil, surrender means to be humble in our dependence upon God's Mercy.

The Majesty of God is that He is closer than our veins, more intimate to us than our every breathe and yet God is beyond all of His creations. The absolute incomparable.

So you see, when I say I am trying to "find" God, I am already lost.. Because I am assuming that I have control that I decide where God lives, and how to get there. When in fact, God is not here or there. God is closer than everywhere by His knowledge, and farther from everything by His Uniqueness. By definition, God can not be found, He can only find us.

It's incredible to think that what you are seeking has been seeking you, since before you even had a body to begin with, since before you had the eyes to read this, since before I even had the fingers to write this. God has been seeking us and He knows exactly where we are because He never left.. God is closer than the veins in our neck, if we just remember, if we just don't forget.

"I never lost God because He has been breathing through me every single breath.."

Delft, 12 August 2019
Amanda Castolina Malau
(Lagi sakit perut huhuhu)


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