Dear Ojan

 Hai Jan,  Kemarin lo baru ulang tahun loh. 6 November, lo genap 28 tahun. Happy birthday ya Jan, maaf kemarin gw ngga ngucapin. Better late than never toh? Inget ga Jan, pertama kita ketemu tahun 2011. Kita belajar fisika bareng di saung salman. Gw inget banget jaket jeans biru muda lo, kaos kutang sama jeans hitam.  "Lo tuh pinter, tapi males! Buku catatan lo ga jelas, nulis di kertas-kertas terus ngga dikumpulin! Gimana UTS nanti bisa lancar?" Hari itu gw ngedumel terus, ngeliat lo cengengesan sambil jawab "Iyee kes, ajarin gw dong plis." Inget ga Jan, lo dateng ke kosan gw pagi-pagi jam 5 karena nganterin gw ke Borromeus, soalnya gw nge-twit kaki gw kepelintir. Lo langsung BBM dan bilang "10 menit lg gw sampe kosan ya". Pagi itu gw bersyukur banget, terus gw traktir lo makan siang di bebek borromeus. Lo makan rakus banget, karena lo cerita hari itu lo ngga tidur sampai pagi. Inget ga Jan, selama kita di himpunan lo jarang nongkrong di sekre. Tapi sekal

My escape plan

I don't like winter. I repeat, I hate winter. I don't like the cold rain, the freezing morning, and the stuffed jacket, scarf, and gloves that I have to carry with me all the time. My life here isn't bad, but sometimes I just really hate the country I live in. I wish I could drive away..and leave. I have a confession to make, and I think this is somewhat the most selfish thing ever to have? I'm usually not this way, since I think about others more than myself, especially my family. But anyway, one of the things I always think what would make me the happiest would be to leave everything and everyone that I knew behind, even my family. Like just go, and live alone somewhere. I don't necessarily need to have new friends or companions. I'd just like to live in a different city, or near the forest, somewhere I could be, but not as "myself". Starting completely over, I would leave "Casy" behind. I don't need to be constantly on the road, travel

The void

There's just one night that I feel so defeated in life, tears clogging up my throat, and tell myself, 'ok I'll just cry later.' Sometimes I found myself repeating "I'm fine", just because I don't even know how I feel anymore. I came here..because I don't understand. I can't comprehend, is this what reality looks like? I don't know if I'm real anymore, and I just want to wake up.. I have to wake up.  Everyone sees me as the supportive and positive friend, who always takes care of everyone. I mean.. it's great that I can brighten up their day. But in the end, I'm always left out. They won't believe me that I have this anxiety, and that I, too, can have negative thoughts. And it's so crazy, sometimes I wake up and everyday feels like a dream. Like I do what I need to do, and I don't even think about it. There's just a lot going on my mind right now.  How many poles does one stud bushing have, and would a stud bushin

Little firefly

"You have memories from August 2019." Setiap akhir pekan, notifikasi tersebut selalu menghiasi layar HP ku. Foto-foto yang selalu kusimpan di mbah gugel photos, hasil karya personal yang tak layak dipertontonkan ke khalayak ramai. Disamping kualitas HP ku yang tidak begitu bagus, sebagai orang awam aku juga kurang mengerti angle foto yang instagram-worthy, hehe. Ya memang biasanya aku hanya mengambil foto untuk koleksi pribadi, dimana foto menjadi alat yang mudah untuk kembali mengenang memori. Lantas ku buka satu foto hasil rekomendasi mbah gugel ini. 'Oh wow.. I remember this one, clearly.' Ucap ku didalam hati begitu aku melihat kembali foto dengan kualitas abal dan super random ini. That time, I was just about to finish my thesis. It was 02:00 am, TU Delft library was closing down. I was always writing my thesis in the silent room with my friends. At first, there were 7 of us, until there were only two of us. It's not that we were the super dedicat

I wish you all the best

Hi. It's been awhile. My heart still aches every time I think of how we ended. And if I could go back, I wish I could tell you: "I stayed for so long, Not because I was weak, But because I believed in the good person in you. I left, Not because you stopped wanting me, But because I no longer loved myself by loving you." Not that I say that I have healed. Hearing your name still gives me pain in the chest. It only takes me one second to have trouble in breathing, after remembering the things you did. Look what you've done to me. You scarred me emotionally, mentally. I once believed that the damage to my mind and my heart was permanent. Until he showed up. He, who taught me that no wound is eternal. That all can be healed, and that love can grow, even in the toughest part of my being. Now look at you. Giving misinformation, trying to control how others see me. It might seem unfair, but I'll stay above it. I'm so proud of the warr

3 am thoughts

"Never value yourself less, because I value you that highly in my life. And I am proud to have you in my life. So proud I'll show you to the world." Jam menunjukkan pukul 3 pagi di tempatmu, dan pukul 9 malam di tempatku. Yang aku ingat, aku hanya tersenyum sambil mengangguk - tidak tahu bagaimana cara nya menjawab. Yang aku ingat, tatapan mu tajam seolah mencari jawaban di dalam mata ku. Senyum ku di layer kaca handphone mu terkesan seperti tidak berusaha untuk menjawab. Tak bersuara, aku terus melihat wajah mu dengan wajah kebingungan. My dear, forgive me if my insecurities are still speaking loudly. You see, when I am afraid of not being loved for who I am, and for years being told that it was because of who I am, my insecurities start speaking. I'm scared. Scared you'll leave. Scared I'll mess up. Scared you'll stop looking at me the way you are right now. Scared I won't be good enough. "Aku bingung mau bilang apa", jawab ku perlah

What you seek is seeking you

A dear friend of mine came to my room. We talked about everything that have been going through in our lives, our anxiety, our thoughts, even our deepest secrets. I always like to have a deep-talk with someone, with a family member, a friend, a lover or even with people who dislike me. It's the time when I put my phone down, sit across from them and listen to them. I give myself the space to dive with them, into deeper conversation, into the kind of quality time that makes me connect with them. It's the least that I can do to someone else's soul. We talked about every possible things for almost 5 hours. From irrelevant benzoylperoxide, to the meaning of being grateful. From future plans and dreams, to satellite. And then we talked about God. "You've been trying to find God, but how can you find what you never lost?" I used to search for God, kind of like how I used to search for my sunglasses when they were already on my head. In other words, the search w